shahada
everything I am writing about in this update is not with 100% certainty, this should not be taken as fact or confirmation of what I will decide to do. I am simply writing about what i’ve been thinking and CONSIDERING. Please take that into consideration while reading
Something thats been on my mind a lot is the way I perceive my religion and my want to be better. I can’t stop thinking about end times and indicators like the genocide in Gaza. I don’t only want to revert out of fear, I believe Allah has great things planned for me that not only will make me a better person but also expand my knowledge and make me a happier person. Religious people report being happier than those who are not, there is a strive to keep going and improve your life. What I really wanted to get off my chest is that I am scared to take my shahada. I am scared that I will not be able to overcome and reduce sins on my own, especially in an area that has a lower muslim population. I am scared of what my family will think, in specific my mom who has previously communicated her fear that I will turn to islam. I WANT to grow closer to Allah, I WANT to be apart of a community of muslim people. I’m just so nervous about how it will change my life and my relationships, I keep putting it off and I feel more and more guilt because of it. Yet nobody is perfect, and I am not by any means using this to excuse my sins, but the Quran states that humans have free will and therefore are prone to sin. Fitnah is literally a test of faith and no muslim will 100% of the time resist temptation, but that is what is so beautiful about islam, Allah is all forgiving and merciful.
Even though I am terrified of what is to come when I do finally decide to take that big step and take my shahada, I am just as excited to welcome faith and Allah into my life. Im a little nervous about wearing the hijab but at the same time I am really looking forward to it. I know there will be times where I don’t want to wear the hijab, but there is nothing more beautiful than doing something you don’t want to, sacrificing something for the sake of growing closer to Allah. Many people perceive this as oppression or being subservient towards a man, but Allah is not human, assuming the gender of Allah is humanizing a God. Right now I am struggling with self-harm, this includes vaping, smoking, drinking, other forms of drugs. I am not necessarily depressed and feel a need to self-harm to combat that but I am so used to it that I keep running back to it because it provides me a sense of comfort. I am literally sinning right now by sharing my sins WHILE I LISTEN TO MUSIC.
None of this means I WILL revert in the future
but it is something i’ve been seriously considering and writing all of this is a form of extreme vulnerability. I hope to find the answer I am looking for soon. I don’t think anyone will even bother to read all of this but I ask of those who do to be graceful with your judgement and consider the things you may not know about my life and how that has effected my perspective.
